Have you ever had that moment when someone asks you to talk dirty to them and you freeze? Suddenly, you’re stuck in your head and you aren’t quite sure what to say or how to say it?
“Should I say ‘boobs’ or ‘tits’? Am I demanding or am I begging? Do they want me to be raunchy or am I supposed to say what I want? What if I don’t know what I want?!?!”
And sexy time comes to a screeching halt.
Some people seem to have effortlessly mastered the art of dirty talk – whether they read a lot of erotica or have a vivid imagination, they can pull the most creative and arousing phrases out at the drop of a hat.
For others, dirty talk can feel downright awkward.
So, then what’s the trick? If you’re wondering how to talk dirty, it’s good to know that like anything to do with sex and relationships, dirty talk is a skill. Which means you can learn it, practice it, hone it, and find your own way of making it hot and steamy in a way that works for you.
There is no right way to talk dirty.
First things first, dirty talk is whatever feels fun and sexy or dark and arousing or flirty and playful to you.
It doesn’t have to be raunchy. Unless you want it to be.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Unless you want it to be.
It doesn’t have to be a certain kind of character or persona. Unless you want it to be.
It doesn’t have to be loud. Unless you want it to be.
Dirty talk is all about your enjoyment and desire. So, there’s no right way and there’s no wrong way, there’s just your way.
Getting started with dirty talk can be super easy.
My partner taught me a brilliant technique that is approachable and easy to adopt, because I used to feel embarrassed about what to say (yes, me!).
To do it, you basically narrate what will happen, what is happening, and/or what did happen.
When you want to tease, titillate, and build anticipation, say what you’re going to do or what you’re imagining for your next interlude.
“When I get you alone, I am going to peel your clothes off and savor every inch of you.”
“Next time I see you, I want you to bend me over and spank me.”
“I’m going to kiss each and every inch of your sexy ass.”
These are future statements about what will happen or what you want soon. It’s a little sneak peak or promise of what’s to come. It’s also an amazing technique for sexting and emails leading up to date night.
When you want to build up the energy in the moment or keep things hot and heavy, say what you are doing or what’s being done to you.
“Do you like the way I feel when you do that to me?”
“You’re so deep inside of me. You feel so good.”
“I’m on my knees, begging for it.”
These are present tense and can be both statements and questions about what is unfolding as it happens. Think of it like bringing in another one of your senses – the more senses you have engaged in a sexual activity, the more engaging and intoxicating it can be.
To extend the energy after you’re done or to remind your lover of something yummy that recently happened, say what happened or what you did do.
“I made you orgasm over and over again last night.”
“I spanked you and you kept begging for more.”
“You had your hands in my hair as I explored you, and you made the most delicious sounds.”
These are past statements about what did happen, and you can follow them up with requests for the future, which creates a beautiful loop of sexy statements and memories any time you want to flirt, build anticipation, and gear back up.
Dirty talk can be as simple as narrating what’s happening or as complex as an entire fantasy role play scene.
To recap – say what will happen, say what is happening, and say what did happen. Nothing to it, right?
You’re only limited by your imagination, your comfort level, and your desire for how you want things to unfold.
To keep things practical, there are a few tips that help make everyone feel more confident and supported when it comes to dirty talk.
1. Dirty talk is a mutually agreed upon sexual activity. That means that everyone involved needs to be on board. Never do it if you don’t want to do it. But if you want to do it and you’re worried about being awkward or saying the wrong thing, don’t let that stop you. Even if you’re a veteran of dirty talk, you’re going to occasionally use a word you didn’t intend to use or flub a command. It’s part of sex. So have fun and invite imperfection.
2. Just because you do it sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it all of the time. Some people LOVE dirty talk. Some people like it. Others feel icky about it. All of that is normal and OK. Remember to negotiate and be supportive of each other’s desires.
3. It’s OK to be politically incorrect. If you’re a fierce feminist, but you get turned on by a lover calling you a dirty little slut when you’re doing a scene with a lot of intensity, then own it. If you’re a tall, muscular guy who likes being called a sissy in certain scenarios, rock it. Nothing wrong with what turns you on and feels good.
4. Context matters. If you and your partner are making love in a sweet and tender way, it may feel jarring if one of you pulled out the word “whore”. Conversely, if you’re having a really passionate, rough encounter that involves slamming each other against the wall and tearing clothes off, it may not feel quite right to talk about your “flower”. Sitting at dinner and having your partner call you a bitch is likely to start an intense fight about disrespect, but being called a bitch if you’re role playing a fun scene may feel really empowering and sexy. Get curious and play with context to see what moods make you feel certain ways about different words.
5. Words can be off limits. Your boundaries are important, so make sure yours are respected and you respect your partner(s). If a particular word or phrase is really upsetting or uncomfortable to you, put that on the table ASAP so that your partner knows to avoid that land mine. It makes you feel more safe and supported and it sets your partner up for success so they know what to avoid in the heat of the moment.
Talking dirty to each other is one more tool in your toolkit for making sex enjoyable. Allow yourself and your partner to make mistakes. Talk openly about what worked or what didn’t. Ask questions. And practice.
Say what? Dirty talk can be good for you and your partner?
In certain sexual scenarios, silence can be deeply meaningful or deeply arousing (think a Dom/sub scene where you’re ordered to be silent while you’re sweetly tortured by a skilled tongue).
That said, it can be really scary for some people to be having sex with someone who isn’t making any sounds or saying anything. Often times I’ll hear people wondering if they’re bad in bed because their partners don’t ever give feedback or verbally encourage them in bed.
Not only does dirty talk help guide your partner to let them know what’s working and what you want, using your voice in bed can be beautifully empowering and affirming.
This isn’t about acting or forcing anything (unless that’s part of your scene). After all, being yourself is the sexiest thing in the world.
So, don’t worry about saying the wrong thing or making loud noises – that can be a big turn on for a partner. We all want to feel like we’re sexual superstars, so your moans and gasps and cursing and narrating can make your partner(s) feel like a rock star.
When you talk during sex, it helps you really settle into the scene – you’re present, you’re plugged in, you’re experiencing every touch and sensation. And, the best part?
Talking in a sexual way and making sounds of pleasure creates a feedback loop for your body, which can help raise your arousal and make things even more intense and enjoyable.
One of the main complaints I hear from clients is that they don’t really know what turns them on or feels good, so they don’t know how to ask for their partner to do things that feel good in the moment.
Talking dirty helps you find your voice and gives you more confidence to ask for what you need.
Get lost in the moment? No worries. Your partner will probably remember what you were most enthusiastic about. Do a fun recap each time you have sex to see what you both liked the best. Those will be yummy places to start the next time you want to talk dirty or tease each other a little bit.
Looking for more advance techniques? Stay tuned. I’ll be covering more tips on putting together sexy phrases and arousing questions in the future.
In the meantime, I made a handy dandy worksheet for you so you can try your hand at talking dirty.