Category Archives for "Advice"

4 When you just don’t have time for sex

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You know that it’s the first thing to go when things get insane.

Between work, managing your home, maintaining a social life, getting food on the table, and running errands, sex just seems like a nice-to-have rather than a must-have when it comes to scheduling your life.

It’s a common theme that I see over and over again (the other common issue is little to no libido, which we’ll explore soon).

There just isn’t time.

But what happens when you don’t make sex a priority?

It becomes a “should”.

It becomes a burden. Something you feel guilty about, which causes yucky feelings, which leads to frustrating and resentment. Or, it leads to trying to squeeze it in and wishing you’d taken a nap instead.

Sure, you occasionally find time for a fun romp when you have that rare vacation or when one of you decides to play hookie for the day, but that’s just not enough.

I recently explored the reasons people cheat, and feeling unappreciated? Yeah, it’s pretty high up on that list.

Plus, the health benefits for sex are endless – lower blood pressure, reduced anxiety, reduced stress, and it helps with headaches. Not to mention what a great workout it is and the bonding it helps to create with you and your partner(s).

So what do you do when you just don’t have time for sex?

Watch to find out how you can change your mindset and then try this fun and simple technique that’s a favorite among folks I’ve worked with.

[video_embed url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzqLOCNMrHM” embed_style=”default” width=”600″]

 

Tweet: Finding time for intimacy is all about creativity & having realistic expectations. http://bit.ly/1BEVXPQ

We make time for the things that are important to us.

I can tell you that my favorite excuse for not exercising is that I just don’t have time. I’m too busy. I’ve got too much going on.

But I magically have time to watch an episode of Game of Thrones. Or to talk to my sister for an hour and a half. Or to take a special trip to that gourmet grocery store that’s a half hour out of the way.

And besides, I could fit a really sweaty, fun workout into 15 or 20 minutes, right?

It’s the same thing for sex.

There’s a saying a friend of mine has about sex: The more you have, the more you want.

It’s easy to forget how fun sex can be when it becomes a burden or an expectation.

But when sex is fun and playful, when you make time for it a few times per week, it actually can become something you not only look forward to, but crave.

And wouldn’t that feel incredible?

What sweet, sexy, or naughty activity could you squeeze in with 15 minutes? Comment below and let’s get a list going that inspires everyone!

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]If you’re struggling to prioritize sex, then let’s connect. I’m here to help. [/callout]

5 What the pros know: the (not-so-secret) secret to great sex

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Recently, at the end of a long and powerful session with one of my clients, I made a little joke to her about all of my sex failures. She stopped and looked at me, and then said:

“I find that hard to believe. You’re so awesome at…everything.”

Um. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, and I said as much. In fact, my sex and relationship mistakes, mishaps, and epic failures would fill the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, and then some. They’re so ridiculous I’m writing a book about everything I’ve messed up.

She let that soak in, nodding as if to say, “Maybe there’s hope for me after all.”

That little exchange made me realize something – often my clients think I have it all figured out. That I’ve somehow stumbled upon (or been born with) the keys to the sex kingdom.

And therein lies the secret that all sex professionals know. It’s in the handbook, in fact.

The (not-so-secret) secret is that great sex doesn’t just magically happen – we all have to work at it.

Last year, at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, I attended a session on the power of provocative and offensive words. The session morphed into a very intimate sharing circle. Almost everyone in the room (a good 15 of us or so) worked in sex, sexuality, or a related field – we represented sex educators, social justice advocates, therapists, counselors, sex experts, podcasters, sex workers, and the like.

During that hour a powerful thing happened.

We all shared that we struggled with the things everyone encounters at some point – low desire, failing relationships, fear of being vulnerable, mediocre sex, using our voice in bed, or feeling scared when things got tough.

It was incredibly validating and empowering to know I wasn’t the only professional who had these same issues. Because feeling like you’re the only one can be terribly lonely.

Knowing that professionals don’t have it all figured out when it comes to sex levels the playing field a little bit (and if a professional claims they don’t struggle with these things, run the other way – immediately).

What gives sex experts a leg up is a well-stocked toolbox for overcoming common problems.

As the group talked, it became clear that while our problems are similar to those our clients struggle with, we had the luxury of having powerful tools and resources that helped us to work through those issues a little easier.

Tools like the confidence to know that our desires and fantasies are healthy and normal (which allows us to remove shame), communication techniques that create a bridge rather than a divide when we talk to our partners, scripts for initiating scary conversations, practice digging into things that are uncomfortable, a thorough understanding of our bodies, and the knowledge that great ANYTHING doesn’t just happen – it takes work.

No one is born being amazing at sex or relationships. No one.

The truth is relating to others in any way, be it familial, platonic, or intimate, is a learned skill developed over years and years of practice. If you had the opportunity to see open communication modeled in your home as a kid, then you may have naturally adopted those skills, but again – they aren’t inherent.

Unfortunately, we rarely have a chance to witness healthy, tough conversations play out, and they don’t teach us in school how to deal with things like waning desire or hating our bodies. That means, we often feel like we’re totally alone in our struggles.

But the great news is that because these are skills that are learnable, you can learn them, too.

Building up your toolbox can be empowering (and that’s a large part of what I do with my clients), but skills take practice.

Practice means letting go of perfection and making a lot of mistakes.

So, here are a few tips for working on those skills. (Saying the scary stuff will be a separate series, so stay tuned for that very critical tool.)

Tool #1: You are normal.

Your desire, or lack of it, are normal. Your fantasies, the way your body experiences pleasure (or doesn’t), the needs that you have? Normal, normal, and normal.

If you need a vibrator to get off, bring it into bed with your partner and make it happen. That is completely normal.

If you like imagining that you have a stable of attractive lovers eager to wait on you hand and foot, embrace that. It’s normal.

If you get turned on by the sound of people having sex or by the smell of latex or when someone touches your neck in a specific way, let those things be your truth. They’re all normal.

Sexual fantasies are not politically correct and they aren’t necessarily something you want to happen in real life.

They are your private, creative landscape and accepting your sexual desires means letting go of shame and owning that this is your story.

Professionals understand that they are completely normal. It’s incredibly freeing to release shame or guilt around what you want and need.

Tool #2: Be specific when you communicate.

When you and your partner aren’t super clear about what you want and what you mean, it can lead to confusion, hurt feelings, and feeling like your partner just doesn’t get you.

For some reason I couldn’t stop thinking of this scene from Rush Hour with Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker:

Do you understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth? Communication and a shared vocabulary is critical to a healthy sex life and a strong relationship.

Let’s say you tell your partner that you like being touched.

Well, what does that mean exactly? Where do you like being touched? What mood are you in when this is happening? With hard or soft pressure? With long or short strokes? Is it a sensual touch or a sexual touch you’re craving?

It’s also important to note that the way you like being touched changes constantly – after a long day, your needs may be totally different than first thing in the morning when you’re fresh out of the shower.

If you aren’t specific and open about what you mean, then you’re setting your partner up for failure. This is true for sex and life.

Tool #3: Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Though this is true for relationships in general, when it comes to sex, sometimes things are just awkward.

Pros know that sex, and talking about sex, takes practice.

The first time you do anything, whether it’s playing the piano or swinging a flogger, it’s going to feel weird and cumbersome and unnatural. And because so many of us have a lot of shame and embarrassment around sex, when things don’t go as planned, we tend to throw in the towel after one or two failed attempts and never look back.

But what if you treated sex like one great big on-going experiment?

Each time you get naked, you’re gathering information that will get woven into your complex and beautiful sexual story. Experiments don’t see mistakes as failure, but instead as valuable data. Imagine saying – “Well, that didn’t work the way I thought it would. What happens if I try it another way?”

A lot of people in the kink community like the saying, “It’s only kinky the first time.” Anytime you do something new, it’s going to seem weird.

In fact, unless something goes really wrong, I suggest to people that they try new things 3-4 times in different settings at different times of day with different context, because sometimes it takes a few tries to work through your embarrassment before you really start to see the potential in something.

Sex is messy.

It’s an act between two (or more) gloriously imperfect people. It can get sweaty and sticky and awkward. Someone may fall off the bed or bang their head or not realize which hole they’re sticking something into.

Getting comfortable being uncomfortable means allowing imperfection and mistakes, and knowing that’s all part of the journey.

You may not know how to phrase a request or how to talk dirty or how to share a fantasy, and you may react poorly to a lover’s private desire, but if you are willing to learn and grow and try again, with a spirit of “let’s see what happens!”, amazing things will begin to unfold.

Tool #4: The more you know about your body, the better.

In a recent post on masturbation, we looked at all the reasons that self-pleasure is so important.

Which areas are sensitive and when (because it won’t be a constant)?

How long does it take for you to get from zero to fully aroused when you’re by yourself? When you employ your juiciest fantasy? When you’re with a lover?

Do you enjoy gently tugging on your pubic hair or do you know what movements give you muscle cramps or which types of toys feel amazing and which ones are just distracting?

On top of that, basic anatomy is something pros constantly study, and that information can be wildly empowering. A wonderful resource on the female body is “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston. I also have a 6-week online course in the making, so stay tuned for that.

Whether you pull out a mirror and get to know yourself visually, or you take the time to understand your body and all that it’s capable of, you will be a better lover for it.

The secret to great sex is you.

Your body was built for pleasure. Your mind is boundless and creative. Your voice is strong and powerful.

Great sex isn’t a natural gift. It’s not something that only a select few have access to.

Sex professionals know that our problems are not unique, they aren’t insurmountable, and with a little patience and a spirit of adventure, great sex can happen. And great sex can be whatever it is you want it to be – passionate lovemaking, no penetration at all, kinky as all get out, or anything else that makes you feel satisfied and yummy.

It might be uncomfortable and frustrating and scary and awkward sometimes, but if you’re willing to work with that and allow it be what it is for a little while, ecstasy is on the other side.

What’s the thing you struggle with most? How can I support you? Comment below and tell me where you get stuck.

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]Ready to develop some of those tools? That’s what I’m here for. [/callout]

14 Life after sexual assault or rape, my personal story

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I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults and rapes.

I wasn’t planning on talking about this on the blog just yet, but there’s a reason I share this now.

Several months ago I did an interview with a podcast called Ending the Sexual Dark Age. One of their listeners wrote in saying she’d been raped and was asking for help. In a moment of bravery, I saw their call on Facebook for people to interview and reached out.

JV and Shara were wonderfully generous and kind. To be honest, I didn’t remember much from the actual interview because of adrenaline and being in my on-air head space.

Well, the episode went live today. You can listen to it here.

I will say BIG OL’ TRIGGER WARNING on that link. I speak pretty bluntly about my rapes and my triggers, and it won’t be easy for some of you to listen to.

You can hear the listener question at 6:25. I come on at 14:18 and speak for about 20 minutes.

One quick note – towards the end of my interview it sounds like I’m getting choked up. In fact I was choking. I’m not crying when you hear my raspy, gaspy voice. That is me having trouble swallowing. Ever the professional, eh?

I am very proud of this interview even though it feels scary to be so public about something so personal.

That said, I conducted this interview wearing my sex coach and sex educator hat.

I sound formal and put together (I think), and I wanted to share something else with you that creates a more comprehensive picture.

I happen to put on a really good show.

The truth is that my journey is on-going and complicated and scary. It’s scary as hell.

Some days I don’t think about it at all – the trauma. Actually, most days are like that. But the days when I do think about it, I get angry and so sick to my stomach.

My body doesn’t feel damaged, but my mind does in those moments.

Because rape and sexual trauma are the ultimate mind fuck.

Know when it’s the worst? When I’m in a sexually charged situation – like a play party I recently attended with my partner or when I’m in a dungeon watching all the fun, kinky things going on.

It’s like all the most broken pieces of me rush to the surface and I can’t make sense of what’s real and what’s not.

I didn’t want to admit that that was my truth because fuck that sucks.

I teach sex for a living! I talk about it every day! With my clients, it’s barely a blip on the radar. On my podcast where I talk about all sorts of sex and sex acts, nothin’.

And yet, when I’m in a sexual setting with other people? I feel something ugly and dark stir in my belly. Even sitting here now, in a coffee shop in broad daylight typing about it, I can feel it uncoiling. It is cold and long and heavy and dark.

I don’t want this to be my truth or my story.

But there it is.

I am sexual assault and rape survivor, and these things have fundamentally changed who I am as a person.

In many ways, they’ve made me stronger. I have learned that my courage and bravery know no bounds. I know I am a warrior in spirit and in mind.

I also know a deeper and more profound empathy than I thought possible, towards other survivors, towards other’s suffering.

I have learned how to cope. I am allowing myself to heal at my own pace. I sit in the feelings that feel really yucky. I don’t deny myself the discomfort or the horror, but I also don’t let myself get stuck in it. I know how to let them drift in and then drift away.

That feels good. I know I’m not static or stuck. That I’m becoming something new.

I’ve also found power in communities of people like me, I’ve heard my own story echoed by others in online forums and being able to lend support feels like I’m reaching out to myself in a way.

And I find the things I do not have words for in the art of others.

This piece on PTSD captures the bizarre new reality following a traumatic event perfectly. Share it widely and liberally. PTSD: The Wound that Never Heals.

I also really love Laura Weiner’s paintings on PTSD, which you can view on her website (please note, some of the images are disturbing).

The reason I’m sharing this with you is because as important as my interview was, I feel like it was only half of the story. It was the half that is put together and objective and able to create distance.

The untold half, the half I’m writing about here, is that I will never be the woman I was before that last rape (which was the most traumatic for me).

I will probably never be able to skip into a sexual situation and feel unburdened and carefree and safe. I would love that, but I’m not going to force myself to get there. Not until I’m ready.

Right now, I feel safe with my partner in ways I haven’t felt safe in my whole life. And at some point, I hope to experience that kind of safety with others.

But I know this is not a linear journey.

There is no timestamp on trauma. There isn’t a formula that you can insert yourself into to get from horror to healed.

If you have suffered any kind of trauma or PTSD, but especially sexual trauma, I want you to know that you are not alone.

I want you to know that you are lovable and valuable and powerful.

I want you to know that it’s OK if you have bad days or if you get triggered or if you thought you were past it and then you step on a land mine and everything crumbles again.

I want you to know that it was not your fault, no matter what the voices in your head tell you or the people in your life.

I want you to know that all of your feelings are important, so please allow yourself to feel them all. And if you need professional help or support so that you can do that safely, let me know. I know some awesome therapists and counselors who can put you in contact with people.

I want you to know that you don’t have to rush to heal, but you also don’t have to stay broken.

Healing and taking back your power do not make the horrors you experienced any less horrible, just like forgiving your attackers does not make their actions OK. It simply helps to ease your burden.

And that is something I continue to work on for myself – forgiveness.

So here I am – imperfect and vulnerable and uncomfortable because I want every single person who reads this to know life after trauma can be pretty damn spectacular.

Because of my rapes, I learned the power of consent and teach it far and wide and unapologetically.

Because of my trauma, I finally allowed myself permission to become a full time sex educator and coach because I knew the world needed to hear what I have to offer.

Because of my story, I fell in love with one of the most amazing human beings on earth.

Your life is not over after tragedy.

It simply takes on a new meaning with new rules, and stumbling your way through that can and will happen – be patient and gentle with yourself.

If you want to share your story privately, I am here to listen. If you want to share anything publicly, please comment below. This is a safe space for us all.

10 You don’t need to love your body to have amazing sex

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I don’t know how you feel about your body, but the relationship that I have with my body is deep, complex, and not at all consistent. Over the years, I’ve been quite mean to both my body and myself.

In fact, there was a time when I believed myself to be so undesirable that I almost cried when a lover said he wanted to touch me after seeing me naked.

The fear and the self-disgust were paralyzing.

Thoughts around body love and sex have been swirling in my head for months, but last week I watched a new documentary called “Inside Her Sex”. One of the women in the film, Elle Chase, said something incredibly profound about not needing to love your body in order to feel sexy, and I realized THAT’S what I’ve been wanting to say.

So, here is me sharing a few thoughts on why you don’t have to love your body in order to have awesome sex. Then, we’ll dig a little deeper on the other side.

[video_embed url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie2qWF4f29c” embed_style=”default” width=”600″]

Your relationship with your body can be a work-in-progress

Feeling comfortable in your skin is important. Being kind to yourself, regardless of what your body looks like or feels like, means moving through life with less stress, less anxiety, and a lot more gratitude.

But, if you are still working on finding that acceptance, it’s OK.

What so many people in the body-love movement gloss over is that even when you’ve moved mountains to transform the way you think about and experience your body, there will still be days when all you can see are the things you don’t like.

Growth and healing are not linear acts – they don’t happen in a straight, consistent, predictable line. Think of it like this success graph. Simply replace “success” with your path to body acceptance.

Success isn't a linear line. You may love your body certain days and on others really struggle to say anything nice at all.

If that’s true, you cannot afford put your pleasure on hold until you reach some specific and often-shifting body ideal.

Your body is capable of delicious sensations and sensual experiences right now.

Whether you’re 130 pounds or 430 pounds, your skin still tingles at a light touch or shivers at an ice cube being dragged slowly across it.

Whether you’re walking with ease or walking with a cane, you can grab your Hitachi Wand or the detachable shower head and give yourself an orgasm (with or without a partner).

Pleasure isn’t dependent on body size or fitness level or flexibility. You can experience unbelievable yumminess exactly as you are, in this moment.

The trick is to give yourself permission to experience it.

But how?

Decide that you deserve this.

More than the voices in your head pointing out all of the parts of yourself that aren’t fit to be seen. More than you’re worried about how you look. You deserve this.

On my journey, after years without sex, I got so fed up and so mad that I was missing out on the sex I dreamed of that I stubbornly decided to just go for it, even if my lover ran for the hills when he saw me naked. It was an act of bravery and I was terrified. But dammit, I wanted it. I deserved it.

Sometimes it will feel like the scariest thing in the world, but just remember you deserve to feel all of the things you’re craving and dreaming about.

Fake it ’til you make it.

This is something I recommend to many of my clients for a wide variety of problems, but it works like a charm.

First, imagine how you’d behave if you were the fiercest, most confident person you can think of. How would you walk into the room? How would you climb onto the bed? What would you say if every single inch of you dripped with sexual confidence?

Now put on your acting hat and embody that person. Pretend you ARE that confident and sensual.

You don’t have to force some big gesture. Simply imagine feeling totally at ease in your body for a few minutes, and then step into the shower with your partner or climb sensually on the bed and ask for what you want or crawl across the floor like a tiger and watch yourself in the mirror before seducing yourself.

Remember that you are MUCH harder on yourself than the people you choose to play with (if you choose to play with others).

When you see yourself in the mirror, it’s easy to focus on all the things you want to change – the scars, the stretch marks, the saggy skin, the too-bony spots, the grey hair – whatever it is.

This used to paralyze me. I would spend so much time trying to hide my big, round belly and my thick thighs from my lovers.

One day I realized that no matter what, they could still see the things I was trying to hide. Plus, I never focused on the tiny imperfections littering their bodies. I couldn’t tell you if they had scars or stretch marks or uneven anything. Even if I could, it was a passing thought, not something I cared about at all.

Instead of all of that, I could tell you in graphic detail what their hands felt like, how they kissed me, how their bodies felt against mine.

And that was such a wake-up call.

Your lover(s) won’t see the things you hate most about yourself. They’ll see the things they love and pass over the rest in their quest to enjoy YOU.

So while you may not love yourself, try adopting a “well, fuck it and let’s do this” attitude. The more you focus on having fun and soaking up those lovely sensations the more you’ll forget about the way your body looks.

The trick is to get lost in how your body feels.

You have permission to have throw caution to the wind, to have amazing sex, and to roll in the pleasure you’re capable of without loving your body.

If you get stuck in your head obsessing about some part of your body you’re really insecure about? Focus all of your attention on your lover or drop into a juicy fantasy in your head and redirect yourself gently.

You can’t be too distracted by your uneven boobs if you’re totally lost in the driving your lover crazy with your tongue, right?

You can have amazing sex even if you don’t love your body. Don’t let that hold you back any longer. Throw caution to the wind, get a little brave, and focus on how everything feels rather than how everything looks. Your lover only cares about sending you to the moon with their skill, not whether you forgot to shave your legs or how many rolls are on your tummy.*

Looking for some kick-ass inspiration?

Check out these badass resources that inspire me on my worst days.

Militant Baker. Read her amazing piece Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls So I Will.

The inspiration for this piece, Elle Chase, talking about feeling sexy at 45 in a fat body.

This Mind Body Green piece on not having to love your body.

Find boards on Pinterest about all bodies being beautiful. I love this Tess Holliday look book and this awesome infographic showing different body shapes and sizes and even a gorgeous disabled body.

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]Want to talk about moving towards self-love or having great sex in the body you’re in? That’s what I’m here for. [/callout]

So, what do you think? What do you struggle with the most? Let’s share where we get stuck and support each other in the comments.

*If you have a partner who does comment on your body or points out things that you don’t feel great about, confront them immediately. If it’s a casual relationship, end it. Now. If it’s a committed relationship, make it clear that you deserve better and ask them to stop. If they don’t, it may be time to move on. Cruelty and passive-aggressive comments about how you look is bullying. 

5 Are you ready to claim your pleasure and create a better sex life?

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I have a confession.

It’s personal and involves years of embarrassment on my part, so I hope you’ll be patient with me as my story of self discovery unfolds.

From the time I was in my early teens, I loved pleasuring myself.

I don’t remember exactly when I made the discovery, but I distinctly remember wishing for time alone at the house in middle school and high school so that I could get naked and take care of business. It was usually a rushed, shameful little affair – never lasting more than a few minutes, waiting for that warm rush of pleasure to hit, and then I’d hurriedly put myself back together.

I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it because my friends would proudly declare that they didn’t need to masturbate because they had boyfriends, and of course, why would you ever masturbate if you could have a real person?

Since I didn’t date much in high school, but was very sexually charged, I took care of business myself.

On the day I turned 18, I took myself to a sex toy store and bought my first vibrator. It was a long, flexible wand with a little bullet on the end so that I could get into all sorts of positions and still reach my clit.

I graduated to an internal vibrator not long after that (for some reason I thought dildos were only for perverts – I don’t know where that idea came from, but it was there). In the early 2000’s, I even owned my own sex toy business for a few years, selling all manner of vibrators and lube and stimulants to my customers.

Through it all, I never used my hands on myself. It was always a toy. Always kind of rushed. Always goal-oriented.

And when I was in relationships, I didn’t realize I could bring toys into the mix and I certainly didn’t know how to share what I liked, so as a result, sex was decent, but it wasn’t mind-blowing.

One day in my mid-to-late 20’s, I was laying around and started casually touching myself with my hand. I’m pretty sure my favorite vibe wasn’t working (dead batteries), so I started exploring myself. At first, it was simply a gentle exploration of my skin, comforting and sweet. But I found my body responding and I rolled with it.

It was a much slower process since my hands didn’t offer the same intensity that my vibrators did, but I became more and more aroused and when I finally came it was a glorious burst of colors and warmth, and went on and on and on.

A new world opened up for me.

In that moment, I realized how disconnected I’d been from my body. I would grab a toy, orgasm as quickly as possible without really thinking about what I was doing, clean up and pretend nothing happened.

This new world of my beautifully dextrous hands meant slowing down and exploring. It allowed me to start a dialog with my body that changed everything.

I found that even when I went back to toys, it was a much more intentional experience. I found I could orgasm over and over again when I gave myself permission to settle in and be in the moment. It was a masturbatory awakening.

Like so many people, I grew up thinking that sex was this very singular thing – PIV (or penis-in-vagina). And I know I wasn’t alone. At my high school in southern California, so many of the kids believed that oral sex and anal sex weren’t REALLY sex, so they engaged in it frequently and without any guilt or shame around losing their virginity.

Along with all of that mess, I (we) believed masturbation was something you did until you met someone. It was a placeholder for “real” sex. Friends echoed this belief, and no one ever told me otherwise in my sex ed classes or in the pages of Cosmo.

Thankfully, through my own exploration I learned just how powerful and freeing masturbation could be. By claiming my pleasure and understanding my body, it led to a better sex life, and a much more pleasurable one for me and my partners.

Sadly, many people see self-pleasure as a pathetic stand-in for “real sex”. This attitude, paired with the shame that most people internalize around masturbation, means way too many folks are missing out on one of the most powerful (and free) pleasurable tools we have in our sex toolbox.

You have my enthusiastic permission to get your hand (or your favorite toy) in your pants and go to town.

When you prioritize your own pleasure on a regular basis, you not only start to form an intimate and powerful relationship with your body, but you begin to understand that you deserve pleasure during other sexual activities.

It might seem like a given – the importance of getting to know your body and enjoying all of the delicious sensations it’s capable of – but too often people (women especially) sacrifice their pleasure out of fear of taking too long, of being selfish, of being seen, of doing something wrong or gross, or of asking too much of their lovers. This self-induced silence can lead to a pretty unsatisfying sex life.

That’s not to say you have to masturbate. But, if you’re curious or if you like bringing yourself pleasure, then make it a priority and have fun with your gorgeous self.

Regular self-pleasure sessions can not only release stress (even if it doesn’t end in orgasm), but they create a dialog between you and your body and they give you a way to answer honestly when a lover asks how to please you.

Try it! You’ll like it.

Self-pleasure is normal, healthy, powerful, sexy, and fun. Don’t worry about being politically correct, either. Any fantasy or desire that you use to get off is perfectly OK (even if it’s really really taboo or unacceptable in real life).

Treat masturbation like a juicy experiment. It’s not about succeeding or failing, it’s about gathering information so that each time something happens, you have more and more data to guide yourself the next time.

The more variety you embrace, the more you’ll learn about all of the things your body likes or doesn’t like.

What does it feel like to use your fingers? What about rubbing yourself while laying with a pile of pillows under your tummy? Or standing, bent over the side of the bed with a dildo? How does the shower massager feel or a new vibrator or nipple clamps? It’s all healthy and normal and fun.

As you get more and more comfortable experimenting with yourself and creating that dialog with your body, you’ll become more relaxed and confident when it comes to claiming your pleasure – both by yourself and with a partner.

Instead of feeling pressured to perform, you’ll be ready to relax into the bliss that is all of your favorite sensations, and you’ll be more prepared to instruct and ask for exactly what you want.

One tool. Many uses.

You cannot do masturbation wrong. If it feels good, you’re doing it right, even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm.

Follow your arousal down the rabbit hole of pleasure, and see where you end up. If you treat your pleasure like a curiosity, without expectation or a goal in mind, you can end up all sorts of wild places.

Beyond self-pleasure when you’re solo, it can be fun to mutually masturbate with a partner. Because let’s be real – sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands if you’re craving something specific. Plus, watching your partner touch themselves can be wonderfully erotic and teach you a thing or two about how to touch them.

No matter how you do it, self-pleasure is a beautiful way to honor yourself and your body and all those sensations you’re capable of. When you take matters into your own hands (pun intended), it not only means you have a more intimate relationship with your body, but you’ll also experience a better sex life when you find new ways to ask for what you want and what feels good.

Because in the end, the only person who is responsible for your pleasure is yourself.

I cooked up a fun list of 50 ways to experiment with self-pleasure.

Click below, enter your details, and I’ll email it over to you in a hot second.

Psst. Did you know that May is Masturbation Month? It is! So use that as a reason to celebrate solo.

And one other thing, if you haven’t heard, I’m creating a beautiful and very exclusive online sex boutique. It will have the best products in the world, and I hope to launch late this summer. So stay tuned. The store will have some very unique twists that you haven’t seen before like a personal shopper option and suggestion cards with each and every item.

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]Need to talk? I can help. [/callout]

1 Eliminate these three words to improve your sexual confidence

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I’ve noticed an epidemic in my life and in the lives of my clients. The more I look and listen, the more I realize it’s everywhere. We’re all suffocating beneath layers of guilt, shame, comparison, and fear all because of three little words.

This is especially true when it comes to sex and the way we view our bodies.

You may not even realize they’re showing up in your life, but I can guarantee you that if these words creep up when you’re talking about your body, your sexual confidence, your sex life, or your partner, then your pleasure and enjoyment are probably being hijacked.

Are you ready for them?

“Should” and “supposed to”.

And here’s how these dangerous words tend to show themselves:

— “I/My partner should want sex more often.”

— “I’m supposed to feel something when he touches me.”

— “Shouldn’t it feel good when you do this?”

— “He should seduce me rather than expecting me to just turn it on.”

— “Isn’t the best part of sex supposed to be having an orgasm?”

— “Everyone says I’m supposed to masturbate, but isn’t it a lesser form of sex?”

— “I should feel happy about this.”

Do you hear yourself in any of these phrases or questions?

They come up in my self-talk a lot, and when I’m meeting with a client, especially someone who is in distress, these words are usually littered throughout their entire description of what’s wrong and why they’re so frustrated or lost.

So, let’s do something radical together.

Let’s ban “should” and “supposed to” from our vocabulary and from our thoughts. When you catch them creeping up on you, karate chop those jerks right into next week and don’t give them the energy they so desperately want.

Doing this one thing can drastically shift your perspective in the most profound ways and immediately boost your sexual confidence.

Because “should” is a refusal of what is. “Supposed to” is a denial of the truth. Both take you right out of the present and plunk you down somewhere else.

And I can tell you with 100% certainty that pleasure and joy and delirious happiness and deep desire live in the here and now.

You know what else these words do?

They place blame. They make the internal into an external problem. Something that’s over there, rather than something you can control and own up to and CHANGE.

Stop worrying about what SHOULD be happening, focus instead on what IS happening.

Instead of wondering if this is how something is supposed to feel, marvel at how it actually does (because even if it’s not great, at least you’re being honest about it and can do something about it).

When you are anywhere but in the present moment, you can’t give yourself the gift of changing the circumstances, of speaking up, of saying “this doesn’t work for me, so let’s do something else!”

In fact, when you have “should” and “supposed to” hanging out on your shoulders, whispering in your ear, they’re pretty much sucking the joy right out of whatever it is you’re doing and turning it into a burden instead of an adventure.

One more note on flipping the script on yourself.

When you take these words out of rotation, it’s going to require you to show up.

You’re going to be seen. You’ll have to learn to speak up. And, there’s a certain vulnerability in that. But, I promise, you can do this.

You deserve this. You really do.

So, let’s take those god awful phrases from up above and make a few of them into something useful, shall we? (I have a fun little worksheet for you at the end, too, so you can practice reframing a few on your own.)

1. I/My partner should want sex more often.

So many powerful alternatives to this one. How about “I want to want sex more often.”

That shows a desire for change, and it reflects the truth of where you are now and where you’d like to go. Now you have a concrete point A and point B.

You want to go from here to there. From not wanting sex very often to wanting sex more. A very achievable goal, I might add.

Another version could be “My partner does not want sex more often.”

Terrific! Now you know specifically what your partner does not want, and you can explore what you DO want.

Maybe your partner not wanting more sex is a good thing, because you don’t either. But if you want more sex and your partner does not, now you can actually sit down and have a loving conversation about your options. Or you can adjust your expectations.

Taking this more active approach is scary as hell, but now you aren’t burying your head in the sand or avoiding what is. Trust me – facing what is might be tough, but avoiding it for weeks, months, or years is so much more damaging and exhausting.

2. I’m supposed to feel something when he touches me.

Can you feel the obligation in that sentence? The guilt, the exhaustion, the wanting to be anywhere but here-ness?

What are some options?

“I don’t feel aroused when he touches me.”

Definitive. Concrete. Vulnerable and honest. You aren’t feeling aroused. That’s a vital acknowledgement if you want to change where you are.

Now that you’re admitting to yourself that you don’t feel aroused, what needs to change so that you do feel aroused? Or, does the change need to involve who is doing the touching?

The options may seem scary, but this statement breaks you out of the never-ending loop that is “supposed to”.

It could also become “I want to feel something when he touches me.”

Can you feel that desire for change in those words? There’s a longing or a wistfulness. It’s the beginning of a story.

And the amazing news is that you get to write your own story, but only when face your own truth.

From this place of wanting to feel something, you have so many choices to consider.

Did you used to feel something and it’s changed? What did it used to feel like? Did you never feel it and now you’re finally giving that truth a voice? Have your circumstances shifted (perhaps from having kids or taking on a new stressful job)?

Your words hold tremendous power over your happiness and experiences in life.

When you give yourself permission to exist in your own truth, you open the door to unbelievable beauty (and yes, sometimes that beauty comes after you work through something painful or difficult, but it’s so much better than the alternative).

Let’s do one more together.

3. He should seduce me rather than expecting me to just turn it on.

Ouch. This feels like a fight that’s played out many times, doesn’t it? The accusation and the hurt and the feelings of being so fed up that nothing ever changes…

“I want him to seduce me rather than expecting me to just turn it on.”

WOW. Can you feel the shift?

One of the things so many of us struggle with is stating our wants, needs, and desires. By removing “should”, suddenly you’ve stumbled across a want, which means you can lovingly ask for it from a place of power. This is where your assertive voice lives. This is how needs get met and you create a relationship based on openness and vulnerability.

What happens if our statement becomes “He doesn’t seduce me. It feels like he expects me to just turn it on.”

You’re observing what isn’t happening, which means you’re focused on actual behaviors, and now you’ve voiced a feeling of expectation of performance. There’s a certain burden or stress in that expectation, isn’t there?

Now you can have a conversation with him about your feelings (which cannot be denied because they’re your truth) and your observation. This has also given you insight into some of your wants – you don’t want to feel like sex is expected of you and you want to be seduced.

And just like that, you’ve found your voice.

You aren’t taught how to talk about your needs and wants at any point in your life. Maybe you were raised in a household that valued your voice and your experiences, but it’s rare that I meet someone who was so lucky.

To this day, I struggle to use my voice. When I learned this little trick, it made a tremendous difference for me in how I was experiencing my own voice and how I was experiencing sex.

Remember that sex and connecting with other people is fun and exciting and it feels good. So, approach this like an experiment.

See if you can catch yourself saying “should” or “supposed to” ten times this week and reframe the sentence or question in a new way, and then reflect on how it feels. It can be little things rather than great big things, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes to see the way these words show up for you.

One final thought on “should” and “supposed to”…

Often these words are used to pass judgment on others or to passive-aggressively share your disapproval. “Should you really be watching that?” or “You should really think about what that’s doing to the kids.”

When you’re on the receiving end of those words, it can be incredibly degrading, disrespectful, and irritating.

You deserve better and so do the people in your life that you love.

Let’s start a campaign to ban these words from everyone’s vocabulary. Let’s ask ourselves to show up and live our truths, and let’s ask the same of the people in our lives.

Having an accountability buddy can be incredibly helpful, too. As your partner to gently point out when you use these words. Something as simple as, “You just used ‘should’. What do you really want?”

Is there anything more supportive than someone inviting you to use your voice and speak your truth?

OK. So, now it’s your turn. Click to grab a little worksheet I created. Once you go through it, be sure to drop me a line letting me know what “should” statements came up for you.

Keeping sex fun (hint: when’s the last time you smiled in bed?)

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When was the last time you laughed in the middle of sex? Genuinely, honestly laughed?

Last week, my partner and I were deep in a rope bondage scene – my ankles were bound in rope cuffs, I was nearly immobilized, and things were intense and serious. Growls and gasps and grunts abounded. And then…something completely unexpected happened – one of our props popped off, causing a small, painful gasp out of him. Seconds later, it happened again.

*snap*

*snap*

He jumped up in shock and I looked at him, wide-eyed for a moment, and then it happened.

The giggles.

I tried to stop them, but one look at his face and it was all over.

Both naked, one of us (me) in a very exposed and compromising position, and him trying to walk off the sharp shock of pain. In seconds, we were both laughing uncontrollably. Every time I thought I had it under control, it would start again. Giggles, then belly laughs, and finally the tears.

Eventually, we got back to business and the intensity built again.

Nothing was ruined by the surprise turn of events. In fact, that moment is one of my favorite memories from that weekend because we were able to stay in the moment and appreciate it for what it was – FUNNY!

Sex has a tendency to be so serious and loaded and rife with expectation or guilt or fear. Fear that we aren’t good enough or skilled enough or sexy enough. But what keeping sex fun just meant lightening up a bit and laughing? Because when it comes right down to it – sex is pretty silly.

What scripts run through your head when you and your sweetie(s) are getting intimate?

Are you worried about how you’ll look? Are you concerned you aren’t going to enjoy it? Are you doing it out of some sense of obligation because you “should have sex x number of times per week/month/year”?

Talk about a libido killer.

All those “should” statements, all that self-talk keeping you swinging from past to future and back again. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that pleasure and desire hate being smothered by expectation, and they don’t live anywhere except the present moment.

For some people, sex is a very intense and serious act nearly all of the time. For others, it’s playful and light and silly. I like to take a middle-of-the-road approach – setting intentions but allowing space for the spontaneous.

Because when two (or more) naked bodies are brought together, you never know what might happen next.

Farts, queefs, burps, bodily fluids, slips, unexpected aches, phone calls, kids – things happen (I almost said shit happens, but that could be taken multiple ways and is best left for a discussion on anal play).

So, I challenge you to invite a little laughter into the bedroom.

Let’s stop taking ourselves so seriously, release the expectations, kill the “should” statements, and surrender to what might unfold. Like a random Charlie Horse that needs to be rubbed out, or a sudden tickle in your nose that leads to a dozen sneezes, or the doorbell ringing at the worst possible moment. Laughter doesn’t have to mean the sex is over. It just means you’re acknowledging the moment, and then you decide where to go from there.

What’s a funny or unexpected moment that’s happened to you? What’s stopped you from laughing in the past?

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]Do you need help naming and facing your fear? Would you love to get unstuck, so that you can finally shed the burden you’ve been carrying? Whether it’s feelings of unworthiness or a struggling sex life (with yourself or with your partner), I can help you. [/callout]

2015: The year of surrender

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I’m the kind of person who has a tendency to get stuck in my head. It’s taken me a lot of work to learn how to savor the moment for exactly what it is.

Looking back, I started to realize just how much I’d missed out on by constantly thinking of all the things I have to do, all the places I want to go, chewing on what I could have done better and what I want to manifest in the future. These churning thoughts meant I was rarely enjoying the here and now.

And do you know where pleasure, bliss, and ecstasy live? In this moment. The one happening right now.

Not in the past. Not in the future. Pleasure exists in the present. Ecstasy pulses and blossoms as each breath unfolds.

But staying present, for all its simplicity, is far from easy, especially in our crazy go-go-go world. Even when I’m prioritizing pleasure for myself with a bubble bath or dancing or sex, it’s easy for my mind to wander.

Stress is addictive, anxiety is clingy, and expectation is pleasure’s worst enemy.

What totally transformed my experiences was learning the art of surrender.

Overwhelmed by stress? Take a deep breath and surrender to what cannot be changed.

Worried about how you look? Take a deep breath and surrender to who you are in this moment.

Trying to get out of your head during sex? Surrender to sensation, to touch, to your needs and desires.

When you surrender, there is no room for stress and anxiety. There is no space for doubt or shame or guilt. Surrendering requires you to open yourself up to the unknown and to trust that what comes next is exactly what is meant to happen. That means releasing expectations. When we’re free from expectation, we create space for pleasure to bubble up and take over.

Surrendering is not giving up. It is not passive. It is not weak. In fact, surrender takes tremendous courage and strength because we can only truly surrender when we feel safe enough to let go.

So, I’m declaring 2015 the year of surrender. I will be focusing on all of the ways you can surrender in order to reconnect with your erotic self, your sensual side, your confidence, your needs, your lover(s), and most importantly, with yourself.

This year we will surrender to the art of receiving, to the art of giving, and to the art of living with passion.

This will be the year that you surrender to what is so that you can finally create space to breathe life into what can be: bliss, happiness, radical authenticity, ecstasy, and anything else your soul desires. It all starts with surrender.

What have you been resisting? What has been holding you back? What are you afraid of or hiding from?

And what does it look like when you finally surrender and release those things?

All you have to do is let go.

Being vulnerable: Moving towards fear

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I have a confession to make.

I’m scared. I’m scared of the death of the love that I have for my partner. I’m scared of putting myself out into the world and sharing my gifts. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of a great many things.

Sometimes the fear feels like a cold fist curling in my stomach. Other times it reaches up and snatches my breath out of my chest. Or, it’s a slow tightening in my jaw that makes my ears hurt. My first instinct when I’m sitting in fear is to run away from the discomfort.

But I’m not a slave to my instincts, and what I’ve learned over and over again is that you are at your most courageous when you surrender to the fear and let it guide you towards your truth.

Fear, when we aren’t in truly imminent danger, is our body’s way of saying, “Oh crap. If I face that, things could change. If I go there, I might lose something. Or gain something. But there will be CHANGE. And I’ll be vulnerable. Which means I could get hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt. Nope. That icky, scary, open feeling is too much. I’m shutting down and avoiding the thing.”

And boom. Fear is suddenly manipulating your reality and everything becomes skewed. This is not your authentic self. This is not the story you want to live.

Brene Brown talks about wholehearted living. Basically, wholehearted living is an ongoing act of courage – the courage to be seen and heard and to believe yourself worthy of love and happiness.

For me, fear often comes up when I feel like I’m not worthy – of love, of success, and of being heard. Learning where my fear comes from makes it easier for me to face it and take it on, to move into it and through it.

Moving towards fear is never comfortable. It is never easy. But, the more you do it, the more you realize that you’ll come out the other side. Often the thing you fear most is far worse than the reality of what happens when you dig in, look fear in the eye, and charge at it.

What are you scared of right now?

You know what it is, even if you don’t want to admit it. Because naming it means acknowledging the thing you’ve been trying to hide from for days or weeks or months.

Are you scared you’ll never find meaningful love? Are you scared your partner isn’t a good fit? Are you scared your partner has fallen out of love with you? Are you scared that you aren’t enough?

Name your fear and shine a light on it so that you can examine it truthfully. When we let fear fester in the dark, it can trick us into believing things are much worse than they actually are. Fear can paint itself as a huge, insurmountable monster.

Fear is that gremlin in your head that keeps you paralyzed.

Because if we stay still enough, invisible enough, silent enough maybe that thing we fear won’t be true.

Maybe it will pass us by. We might even run away from it or try to control it out of desperation. But, this becomes a scene that we play out, over and over again. Fear always finds you, which is why you need to not only drag your fear out into the light, but you need to confront it and take your power back. Fear doesn’t get to dictate your life. You do. So what does that look like?

Let’s pretend your biggest fear is that your partner has fallen out of love with you. Imagine what that must feel like – that fear that someone you love might not want you any longer.

Fuck, that feels bad, doesn’t it? Those hopes and dreams you shared suddenly seem like they’re slipping out of your grasp. Maybe you start listing all the things that make you unlovable, as if this has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe you start feeling angry at your partner. Your mind starts racing, searching for a reason, and maybe you start thinking they’re cheating on you. Depending on how you cope with fear, you’ll either withdraw inside of yourself in an attempt to insulate yourself from the scary truth or you’ll come out swinging, going on the offensive, trying to push away the pain by beating it to the punch.

What happens if you move into your fear instead of letting your fear dictate what comes next, all of which could be completely wrong because it’s based on lies your fear is telling you?

How do you even get started?

First, you have to acknowledge and sit with it for a minute. Yuck, right? I know. But the more you do this, the faster your truth will start to show up.

While you’re sitting in the yuck, you need to understand where your feelings are coming from and what you’re really afraid of. Being alone? Being rejected? Change? Getting hurt? The source of your fear might not be obvious at first, but if you listen to that thing you really don’t want to hear, that’s where it will be.

Then, get clear on why you feel this way. Has your partner seemed withdrawn? Has something changed? Or are things the same and this is about your own insecurity and unworthiness taking over?

Second, move towards your fear by directly addressing it. Sometimes this can happen entirely inside of yourself when you simply give yourself permission to feel your feelings, name them, and surrender so that they no longer hold you. Other times, it means having a conversation with someone in your life. In this example, it might mean saying some pretty vulnerable stuff to your partner.

“Can we talk? I’ve been feeling a lot of fear lately. I’m scared that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me any longer because I’ve felt alone lately for X, Y, Z reasons. What I need right now is either some reassurance from you or for us to dig in and take an honest look at us and whether this relationship is still serving us both. Is that something you would be willing to do for me?”

In that moment, your partner might immediately rush to reassure you that your fear has been completely misplaced. Or, you might end up having a conversation about how things really ARE falling apart at the seams.

But, now there’s no more guess work, there is no more wasted energy and inner conflict and sleepless nights. There are no more stomach aches based on “what if” or outbursts designed to hold your partner hostage. Because you are worthy of love and deserving of people who want to be with you. And by facing your fear and feeling icky for a while, you can start to heal and create something new.

Fear has always been a big, bright arrow screaming, “I know it seems like this is the wrong way to go because it feels so bad but that’s exactly why you should be coming over here!”

If you want a life full of love, desire, authenticity, honesty, trust, and joy, it means doing some scary-as-fuck work sometimes. It means taking leaps into the unknown at the moment when you can’t think of anything scarier in the world. Sometimes you’ll soar. Sometimes you’ll crash and burn. Either way, once you face your fear, you can move forward.

And isn’t that so much better than being stuck on the edge of that cliff, rocking back and forth belly-aching over what to do and when to do it and how you’ll do it and will you fly or will you plummet? That kind of thinking will drive you crazy and move you farther and farther away from your authentic self.

So, here I am, demonstrating that very thing. I’m sharing a part of myself with you, terrified it won’t be enough, but I’m doing it anyway. You’ll either love what I have to say and it will resonate. Or you’ll think it’s bullshit and leave. Either way, I am taking the leap so that I can move forward.

You deserve to move forward, too. Where is your fear? What have you been too scared to name? I challenge you to shine a light on it today and start taking your power back.

[callout title=”Let’s chat” link=”https://www.dawnserra.com/lets-chat/” class=”hb-aligncenter”]Do you need help naming and facing your fear? Would you love to get unstuck, so that you can finally shed the burden you’ve been carrying? I can help.[/callout]

What to do when you aren’t having sex as often as you’d like

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Call me old school, but I still manage my life on a paper calendar. Yeah, I put stuff in my Google calendar from time-to-time, like recurring events or professional meet ups. But for some reason, I get particular pleasure out of writing things down and seeing them on my wall.

My life at a glance.

If you’re like me, you’re busy. Insanely busy. And . – things like birthdays, anniversaries, doctor’s appointments, kids’ soccer games, vacations, work events, BBQs, prescription refills… The list goes on: so much to do, so little time.

If you need something to happen, then it needs to be scheduled, right?

Take another look at your calendar.

Where is the you-time? Date night? Play night? Sex? Are they scheduled among the three hundred other things you need to do this month?

No? Well, then how can you expect it to happen? When you aren’t having sex as often as you’d like, it’s probably because you aren’t prioritizing it or scheduling it.

Let’s talk about the myth of magical, spontaneous, perfect sex

Let’s not waste time. That myth? The one where you and your partner will magically find the “perfect” time to have amazing, mind-blowing sex amid the half folded laundry and unwashed dishes after working 9 hours and commuting for 2?

It’s total bullshit.

Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? Not at all. Especially if you’re the kind of person that needs time to get out of your head and into body after a stressful day – springing sex on someone who is stressed is a surefire way to get shut down and shut out.

And yes, sometimes you and your partner will both be horny and ready and share a look across the table in the exact same moment, and 30 seconds later you’re bent over the sofa with partially ripped off clothes going for a fast, furious fuck. Those moments are hot, right? But are they happening as often as you’d like them to? Probably not.

Don’t fall into the mind trap that scheduling something takes the fun out of it, either. We schedule all sorts of fun activities. Game night with friends isn’t any less fun because you knew about it, planned for it, anticipated it, prepared for it, and showed up. Why would the same be true for date night or sex?

Because half the fun of a juicy, memorable erotic encounter is the anticipation. Use that to your advantage.

Here’s an example – you and your partner are both free next Thursday in the evening, so you block off 3-4 hours for some naked shenanigans. When you go to bed Wednesday night, you set your alarm for a few minutes earlier so that you can take some time to pamper yourself before work on Thursday – shave, trim, moisturize, set out a sexy outfit for later, meditate, work-out, whatever your routine is for feeling good.

Maybe, as you walk out the door, you leave a note for your partner to find when they wake up with a sexy little thought about what will unfold that evening.

Then, you spend the day sending naughty messages to each other talking about what you love and crave about each other, what you can’t wait to feel or do, what you want. Talk about hours and hours of foreplay, hours and hours of daydreaming and anticipating and getting yourself into a siren mindset!

By the time you make it home (or get to the hotel, or meet up in a secluding parking garage and get into the backseat of your car like teenagers), your sexy time is now full of charge and need and excitement.

Scheduling sex, granting yourselves permission to prioritize each other, gives you tons of time get those juices flowing and your fantasies stirring.

How yummy is that?

Self-care is sexy

Just like scheduling sex and date nights, you must schedule time for yourself. Do it without apology and without guilt. If you don’t take care of yourself, it won’t happen. It just won’t.

When you put yourself and your needs first, you are more capable of giving fully and with love to others. When you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and totally checked out, you invite resentment, bitterness, frustration, and a whole host of other emotions that don’t help you or the people you love.

So, schedule that shit. Do it now.

What does your self-care look like?

Is it a bubble bath, a book, a glass of wine, and no distractions for two hours? Is it a massage at a lovely day spa where no one can reach you? Is it an all-day hike on your own? Maybe it’s a night out with friends or a mini yoga retreat. Is it an hour on the weekend to yourself to dance naked and masturbate to a glorious orgasm? It might even be finding a half hour a few times a week to drive down a country road with some great music and the wind in your hair.

Is your schedule too busy for you time? Then MAKE time. As a friend to watch the kids for a few hours twice per month. Have your spouse pick up dinner one night per week to save you the time of having to cook. Go into work an hour early and buy yourself an extra hour free in the afternoon before you head home.

If it’s important, you can find the time to prioritize the stuff that needs to happen.

But it MUST go on the calendar. Commit to that time, and do not cancel it or push it back – because that’s oh-so-tempting when things are busy.

You deserve that time to rest, reconnect, recharge, and find your bliss.

Re-introducing play time. For grown-ups.

If you know of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and the guideposts for wholehearted living, then you know one of the single most important elements of living a whole, happy life is finding time to play.

What did you and your partner love doing when you first met? Was it a cheesy movie followed by milkshakes? Bowling badly? Going to comedy shows?

It’s important to make time for those kinds of activities to keep that spark and maintain that sense of joy at sharing something fun together.

For some people, play time is going to kinky clubs or swinger parties. For others, it’s hosting a themed party and getting dressed up in ridiculous costumes. Maybe it’s going to a sports game and getting loud and rowdy with 20,000 other fans.

Whether you’re 22 or 82, maintaining that sense of adventure and play is what keeps a relationship young. It’s important to keep that connection between you and partner strong and healthy.

And if it’s important, it needs to be on your schedule.

Ready to get started? Just click below and I’ll email you a free handy-dandy planner.