Is one kind of orgasm better than another?

Some self-proclaimed experts claim certain types of sex or orgasms are better or more evolved than others. Sex Coach Dawn Serra calls BS on that, and sets the record straight on orgasms.

The number of crappy sex myths that exist in our culture is literally endless. (I know, because I've been compiling a list for a course I'm building based on those myths and it's already a few pages long at this point.)

The tight vagina/loose vagina myth.

The virgin/slut myth.

The simultaneous orgasm myth.

The bigger is better myth.

The you don't need lube if you're truly aroused myth.

The list goes on.

Frankly, these myths are incredibly damaging to all of us.

Not only do most of us have no idea that we can literally define sex for ourselves and it may not look anything like what we've been told, but many of us have internalized these myths to the point that they feel like facts - facts that we don't live up to. Which in turn leads to anxiety, stress, damaged self-esteem, and disappointing sex.

Within the sex positive community, there is a deep commitment by sex educators, sex bloggers, sex therapists, sex coaches, and other sex professionals to provide the most accurate information we have access to while also inviting people to explore their own sexual truths.

The only universal fact when it comes to sex is that no one rule applies to everyone. We are all outliers in some way.

Why? Because our sexual experiences are based on our unique body landscape, the context of our lives, our past experiences, our community upbringing, our religious beliefs, and many other factors.

The way a specific clitoral stroke feels to me may yield totally different feelings in you. And that is OK. The way that stroke felt to you today at 2pm may feel really different to you tomorrow at 9am - different time, different context, different energy, even different levels of hydration and diet...

But there are some sex "experts" that have come on the scene and do something super dangerous. They preach their personal experiences as universal fact.

They also tend to make completely unfounded claims like how to make a cock bigger or that all women want men who "claim" them or that you don't need birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy or that condoms make sex less sacred so you shouldn't use them.

Yesterday, I saw someone post a link to an older blog post written by one of these self-proclaimed sex gurus in a Facebook group I'm in. The article claimed that clitoral orgasms were distractions to the REAL orgasm, the REAL feminine experience - which is the vaginal orgasm.

I'm calling bullshit (as well as about a dozen other sex educators that I ran it past).

Orgasms are NOT the goal of sex.

Sex is not about goals. Sex is about pleasure. So, maximizing pleasure, doing what feels good in your body in that moment, is where the good stuff is. This might include an orgasm, and it may not. Sometimes sex feels super good, and no orgasm happens.

That doesn't ruin sex or make it pointless.

But if you are orgasmic, the bottom line is no matter what anyone says, your orgasm - the one that feels best in your body - is the sacred kind of orgasm.

It can be a clitoral orgasm, a g-spot orgasm, an anal orgasm, a breath-gasm, an energy orgasm, a laughter-gasm, a tear-gasm - it doesn't matter. It's the release that feels most aligned and in integrity for you in that moment. That's the magic.

And it is OK to strive for a certain type of orgasm - as long as you don't internalize the lack of that kind of orgasm as some type of personal failure or physical problem.

If you have a vulva, some of the sacred sexuality gurus will talk about energetically opening to your partner and welcoming them into your sacred vaginal space. That's cool. But it's not the only way and you don't have to put anything inside of you in order to be sacred or fully embodied in your sexuality.

You can energetically open to someone and NOT take them inside any of your orifices.

You can have an energetic orgasm with all your clothes on.

You can shed all of your masks and bare your soul to a partner in the most painfully vulnerable way without any sexual contact at all.

Just like you can penetrate yourself with whatever and whomever you'd like and it doesn't diminish your value or your sacredness one bit.

And yes - there are some ancient traditions and decades-old sexual rituals that some people choose to follow. You can choose that for yourself, as well. But you can also create your own traditions. Barbara Carrellas has done this with her version of tantra and it's spectacular, inclusive, and honors each person's own body and journey.

So, worship your clit. Orgasm spectacularly from ass play. Have delicious sex and never cum at all.

As long as you're honoring yourself and your body and the moment in a way that feels really good, then you can connect with whatever is sacred for you.

Boycott bad sex advice. Find your own truth and live it unapologetically. Because no one else in the world knows your body like you do.

/rant

Work with me

Are you curious about finding your sexually empowered self? I can help.

From one-on-one coaching to DIY workbooks and my bi-weekly group calls, there are several ways we can work together to help you find the pleasure and desire you crave.

  • I love what you have to say here. “We are all outliers in some way.” “Sex is not about goals. Sex is about pleasure.”

    There are so many misconceptions around sex that it’s alarming, and the most unfortunate thing is that they prevent us from having as good a time as we would if we didn’t have all that crap jammed in our heads.

    Kudos for blogging/vlogging about these sensitive topics and helping everyone open up their minds to have more fun and be better people to each other in the bedroom 😉

    • Thank you so much for that, Nat. There are SO many misconceptions, and also so many people who create businesses around sex, but then create so many damaging and shaming products. Grrrr.

      I love the thought that we’re all outliers. It means that in some way we are all normal and weird at the same time. Kinda takes the pressure off conforming!

  • Always so encouraging “find your own truth and live it unapologetically” it’s clear you are doing exactly that! Great post!

    • Thank you so much, Angela! I’m doing my best to make sex a little more freeing and fun. 😉

  • This is a great post. I think it’s important for more women to realize that sex just like everything else in life isn’t one size fits all. Thanks so much for the great information.

    • YES! There isn’t a one size fits all, but unfortunately so many sex “experts” make millions by claiming that there is one true way to have the best sex or the best body or the best relationship, and that makes me so angry. I spend a lot of my time as a coach helping people to undo those rigid rules and thoughts about their body and orgasms and sexual experiences. Thank you so much for stopping by!

  • There is no one size fits all — yes!! Also, I love your reminder that orgasm isn’t the goal of sex. I can be very easy to forget that (pleasure comes in all shapes and sizes).