One of my favorite rituals with my partner is the way we flirt with each other.
At least once per day, my phone buzzes with excitement, alerting me that a text has arrived. I'm smiling before I even see what it says, butterflies flitting through my tummy.
I'm thinking about this morning, and a smile grows on my lips.
A little shiver runs through me. We had incredible phone sex that morning before he'd gone off to work, while I was in the car in the parking lot of a popular cafe.
Another morning it might go something like:
*kisses your collarbone and straddles your waist, pinning you to the bed*
Depending on the day, we may feel dark and gritty or we may feel playful and silly. My favorite is when I send the beginning of a sexy scene and he finishes it.
Me: *quietly steps up behind you as you work, sliding a folded note in your pocket, and then sneaks off with a wink over my shoulder*
Him: *unfolds the note and blushes at what it says* You are VERY naughty, my dear.
The exchange may carry on for a few texts if it's a busy day, or off and on for hours. No matter what, it is always a wonderful way for us to stay connected.
Flirting is a simple, fun way to make each other feel special and desired, and it's not just for brand new relationships.
One of the leading reasons people stray, whether it's a monogamous or a non-monogamous relationship, is because they feel undesirable, unwanted, invisible, or like they are no longer their own person with their own identity.
It's normal for relationships to ebb and flow, and life has a way of falling into monotony. Comfort and routine can be very alluring when our lives are endlessly busy and stressful.
Too often, though, as your relationship falls into routine, you stop seeing each other as unique, complex, mysterious individuals and you start assuming you know everything there is to know about one another. That lack of autonomy and individuality is where a lot of relationships begin to experience trouble.
Because it's easy to take things for granted when you assume things will always be the same.
Erotic energy thrives on mystery and risk.
To stoke your passion, you need to fuel the flames by introducing elements of the unknown and the unpredictable.
Flirting is a deliciously easy way to keep that mystery alive. In fact, feeling seen and wanted is as easy as a snap of the camera, click of the 'send' button, or the scribble of an unexpected note.
Why? One of the most desirable experiences is being desired by someone. Flirting with your sweetheart is a powerful way to show your desire. Not to mention the confidence boost it gives them.
It's also a chance to get creative with what turns you on, to try out new fantasies, and to practice new skills.
As an added bonus, firting with your partner often ends up making you feel sexy because you're giving yourself permission to think about your erotic self.
It's a fun little feedback loop.
What are some fun ways to flirt?
I polled some friends to find out their favorite flirting techniques. Some of the responses include:
"Show particular body parts by surprise!"
"Sexy texts, occasionally with a picture of my anatomy."
"I leave cards & notes on his truck."
"We have a chalk board [for writing notes to each other]."
"I have a look and a smile that [he] calls 'that look!'"
"A Victoria's Secret changing room photo shoot."
"I pretend we're strangers and give him compliments. I ask him if his girlfriend appreciates his nice legs, face framing brows, etc."
"I unnecessarily brush against them when going past. Bonus points if I can get erogenous zones."
Ready to up your flirting game?
Try one, some, or all of these to see what feels best for you. Flirting is nothing more than the art of being playful and appreciative of someone else.
- Hold eye contact across a room or in a public space and let a little smile dance across your lips as you think of your beau doing something sexy. They'll know you're imagining something naughty, which will pique their curiosity. (Or, as one friend called it, "Eye fucking...across a crowded room."
- Let them know they're on your mind by sexting, emailing, or writing a note that you then hide in their wallet or lunch bag.
- Build anticipation by buying or wearing something erotic, and then taking a series of pictures that slowly reveals what it is. Bubbles in the tub, toes peeking out, the flesh of your thighs beneath the water...
- Use the power of touch to delight and entice. This is especially powerful when you're out in public, so that you both know you can't follow through on anything too scandalous until you're in private. A finger trailed softly along the back of the neck, a kiss dancing along the inside of a wrist or on the tips of each finger, the press of your body as you slide behind them at a party or in line at the store, a hand on the small of the back to let them know you're there. This is about the art of the tease, so aim for tiny little tidbits.
- Get explicit about what you want them to do to you later. Leave a voicemail or whisper it in their ear. Let them hear the need in your voice.
- Compliment them on something unexpected that shows them you're paying attention and appreciate them in a new way.
- Wink. Wrestle. Gently snap a towel at their bum. Give them little spots of playful teasing to let them know you think they're the bees knees.
Remember that it's not about being someone else or doing something out of character. Find ways to adapt these ideas to something that feels authentic and meaningful to you.
Flirting only works when it's genuine.
If you're faking it or forcing it, you're more likely to drive someone away than bring each other closer together.
What if you and your partner haven't flirted with each other in a while? No problem. It's perfectly OK to let them know it's something you want to start doing again. By making your needs known and using your voice, you're more likely to have the kind of exchange that makes you both feel good.
Don't worry about looking stupid. If you make a mistake or mess up, call yourself out, turn it into a funny new memory, and share a giggle.
Because I can't be the only one who has fallen off the bed, snorted while trying to be seductive, and seriously messed up a sexy text by not noticing the auto-correct. I want to do no such thing with a duck, thank you very much.
As much as flirting helps to strengthen the bond between the two of you by keeping things fresh and new, one of the best outcomes of flirting is that it awakens your inner siren.
So many of my clients struggle with a lack of desire. Some of that stems from not seeing themselves as sexual beings any longer - either because their body has changed or they're parenting or life is just too damn busy.
Flirting invites you to reconnect with that part of yourself that feels and expresses passion.
Suddenly, you're looking for excuses to try on new lingerie or to pull out that sexy outfit you haven't worn in ages. You start wanting to show off little flashes of skin or teasing your partner with playful little movements.
When flirting becomes something you do for yourself, because tapping into your sexual self arouses you, that's when the real magic happens.
Because yes, sometimes flirting can feel like a chore, something you should do, another thing on the To Do list.
But when you feel that adrenaline rush, when your skin tingles with anticipation, when you feel your body responding to the sexy thoughts racing through your mind, flirting becomes part of your sexual experience.
And how delicious is that?
I want to hear your favorite way to flirt. Share your thoughts below and let's let ourselves feel wanted.
Looking to up your flirting game? Download this fun little worksheet on sexting made easy. It includes 10 prompts you can use to start a sexy conversation, plus some additional flirty suggestions to get your creative juices flowing.
Are you ready to up your flirting game?
I'm here to help. It's what I do.
From one-on-one coaching to bi-weekly group calls, there are so many ways for you to start leveling up and reconnecting with your desire (and each other).