Category Archives for "Intimacy and sex"

2015: The year of surrender

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I’m the kind of person who has a tendency to get stuck in my head. It’s taken me a lot of work to learn how to savor the moment for exactly what it is.

Looking back, I started to realize just how much I’d missed out on by constantly thinking of all the things I have to do, all the places I want to go, chewing on what I could have done better and what I want to manifest in the future. These churning thoughts meant I was rarely enjoying the here and now.

And do you know where pleasure, bliss, and ecstasy live? In this moment. The one happening right now.

Not in the past. Not in the future. Pleasure exists in the present. Ecstasy pulses and blossoms as each breath unfolds.

But staying present, for all its simplicity, is far from easy, especially in our crazy go-go-go world. Even when I’m prioritizing pleasure for myself with a bubble bath or dancing or sex, it’s easy for my mind to wander.

Stress is addictive, anxiety is clingy, and expectation is pleasure’s worst enemy.

What totally transformed my experiences was learning the art of surrender.

Overwhelmed by stress? Take a deep breath and surrender to what cannot be changed.

Worried about how you look? Take a deep breath and surrender to who you are in this moment.

Trying to get out of your head during sex? Surrender to sensation, to touch, to your needs and desires.

When you surrender, there is no room for stress and anxiety. There is no space for doubt or shame or guilt. Surrendering requires you to open yourself up to the unknown and to trust that what comes next is exactly what is meant to happen. That means releasing expectations. When we’re free from expectation, we create space for pleasure to bubble up and take over.

Surrendering is not giving up. It is not passive. It is not weak. In fact, surrender takes tremendous courage and strength because we can only truly surrender when we feel safe enough to let go.

So, I’m declaring 2015 the year of surrender. I will be focusing on all of the ways you can surrender in order to reconnect with your erotic self, your sensual side, your confidence, your needs, your lover(s), and most importantly, with yourself.

This year we will surrender to the art of receiving, to the art of giving, and to the art of living with passion.

This will be the year that you surrender to what is so that you can finally create space to breathe life into what can be: bliss, happiness, radical authenticity, ecstasy, and anything else your soul desires. It all starts with surrender.

What have you been resisting? What has been holding you back? What are you afraid of or hiding from?

And what does it look like when you finally surrender and release those things?

All you have to do is let go.

What to do when you aren’t having sex as often as you’d like

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Call me old school, but I still manage my life on a paper calendar. Yeah, I put stuff in my Google calendar from time-to-time, like recurring events or professional meet ups. But for some reason, I get particular pleasure out of writing things down and seeing them on my wall.

My life at a glance.

If you’re like me, you’re busy. Insanely busy. And . – things like birthdays, anniversaries, doctor’s appointments, kids’ soccer games, vacations, work events, BBQs, prescription refills… The list goes on: so much to do, so little time.

If you need something to happen, then it needs to be scheduled, right?

Take another look at your calendar.

Where is the you-time? Date night? Play night? Sex? Are they scheduled among the three hundred other things you need to do this month?

No? Well, then how can you expect it to happen? When you aren’t having sex as often as you’d like, it’s probably because you aren’t prioritizing it or scheduling it.

Let’s talk about the myth of magical, spontaneous, perfect sex

Let’s not waste time. That myth? The one where you and your partner will magically find the “perfect” time to have amazing, mind-blowing sex amid the half folded laundry and unwashed dishes after working 9 hours and commuting for 2?

It’s total bullshit.

Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? Not at all. Especially if you’re the kind of person that needs time to get out of your head and into body after a stressful day – springing sex on someone who is stressed is a surefire way to get shut down and shut out.

And yes, sometimes you and your partner will both be horny and ready and share a look across the table in the exact same moment, and 30 seconds later you’re bent over the sofa with partially ripped off clothes going for a fast, furious fuck. Those moments are hot, right? But are they happening as often as you’d like them to? Probably not.

Don’t fall into the mind trap that scheduling something takes the fun out of it, either. We schedule all sorts of fun activities. Game night with friends isn’t any less fun because you knew about it, planned for it, anticipated it, prepared for it, and showed up. Why would the same be true for date night or sex?

Because half the fun of a juicy, memorable erotic encounter is the anticipation. Use that to your advantage.

Here’s an example – you and your partner are both free next Thursday in the evening, so you block off 3-4 hours for some naked shenanigans. When you go to bed Wednesday night, you set your alarm for a few minutes earlier so that you can take some time to pamper yourself before work on Thursday – shave, trim, moisturize, set out a sexy outfit for later, meditate, work-out, whatever your routine is for feeling good.

Maybe, as you walk out the door, you leave a note for your partner to find when they wake up with a sexy little thought about what will unfold that evening.

Then, you spend the day sending naughty messages to each other talking about what you love and crave about each other, what you can’t wait to feel or do, what you want. Talk about hours and hours of foreplay, hours and hours of daydreaming and anticipating and getting yourself into a siren mindset!

By the time you make it home (or get to the hotel, or meet up in a secluding parking garage and get into the backseat of your car like teenagers), your sexy time is now full of charge and need and excitement.

Scheduling sex, granting yourselves permission to prioritize each other, gives you tons of time get those juices flowing and your fantasies stirring.

How yummy is that?

Self-care is sexy

Just like scheduling sex and date nights, you must schedule time for yourself. Do it without apology and without guilt. If you don’t take care of yourself, it won’t happen. It just won’t.

When you put yourself and your needs first, you are more capable of giving fully and with love to others. When you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and totally checked out, you invite resentment, bitterness, frustration, and a whole host of other emotions that don’t help you or the people you love.

So, schedule that shit. Do it now.

What does your self-care look like?

Is it a bubble bath, a book, a glass of wine, and no distractions for two hours? Is it a massage at a lovely day spa where no one can reach you? Is it an all-day hike on your own? Maybe it’s a night out with friends or a mini yoga retreat. Is it an hour on the weekend to yourself to dance naked and masturbate to a glorious orgasm? It might even be finding a half hour a few times a week to drive down a country road with some great music and the wind in your hair.

Is your schedule too busy for you time? Then MAKE time. As a friend to watch the kids for a few hours twice per month. Have your spouse pick up dinner one night per week to save you the time of having to cook. Go into work an hour early and buy yourself an extra hour free in the afternoon before you head home.

If it’s important, you can find the time to prioritize the stuff that needs to happen.

But it MUST go on the calendar. Commit to that time, and do not cancel it or push it back – because that’s oh-so-tempting when things are busy.

You deserve that time to rest, reconnect, recharge, and find your bliss.

Re-introducing play time. For grown-ups.

If you know of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and the guideposts for wholehearted living, then you know one of the single most important elements of living a whole, happy life is finding time to play.

What did you and your partner love doing when you first met? Was it a cheesy movie followed by milkshakes? Bowling badly? Going to comedy shows?

It’s important to make time for those kinds of activities to keep that spark and maintain that sense of joy at sharing something fun together.

For some people, play time is going to kinky clubs or swinger parties. For others, it’s hosting a themed party and getting dressed up in ridiculous costumes. Maybe it’s going to a sports game and getting loud and rowdy with 20,000 other fans.

Whether you’re 22 or 82, maintaining that sense of adventure and play is what keeps a relationship young. It’s important to keep that connection between you and partner strong and healthy.

And if it’s important, it needs to be on your schedule.

Ready to get started? Just click below and I’ll email you a free handy-dandy planner.