Monthly Archives: July 2016

What if sexual validation comes from within?

The day I realized 95% of my sexual distress, pain, and shame has been the result of other people telling me what my sexual experiences should look like and feel like, everything shifted.

I can't tell you how many hours (years?) I spent worrying about how my boobs looked or my tummy moved during sex instead of surrendering to the moment and enjoying this person who was sharing themselves with me.

Why? I was not born worrying my breasts were imperfect or that I shouldn't have a soft, round belly. Other people told me to be ashamed of those parts of myself.

The same for all the times I didn't share a fantasy or a desire for fear of what my partner might say. Where did that fear come from? Probably from the endless stories around us telling what "normal" sex looks like. The fear and shame certainly didn't come from within me.

Where did the stress about how much sex I do or don't have come from?

Why would I ever be scared that I wasn't wet enough or tight enough or hard enough?

Outside forces have tremendous influence over our sexual experiences (and the way we do relationship, too, but that's another post for another day), and unfortunately they're rarely helpful or informative.

One of the most powerful exercises you can do in your life is to examine all of the major beliefs, assumptions, fears, and hang-ups you have about sex.

Where did they come from?

Why does sex equal penis-in-vagina intercourse? Or why does orgasm matter so much? Who said a wet pussy or a hard cock were necessary for terrific sex?

Literally, all of these ideas come from other people who are not you - people who do not have your body with your experiences or your sensations or your unique version of experiencing pleasure.

The truth is that as soon as we all learn how to look within for our answers when it comes to sex is the moment we start to experience sexual liberation.

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It doesn't matter how many times Cosmo or Dr. Oz say you should be having sex in a week. Look within and ask yourself - REALLY ask yourself - how you feel about how often you're having sex.

It doesn't matter if the actresses in your favorite porn have small, hairless labia. Do your labia bring you pleasure? Do they love being tugged on and licked and sucked on?

It doesn't matter if the only bodies we see on magazines next to headlines like "Sexy!" or "Bikini ready" are white, young, ultra thin, rich, able-bodied models. Does your body enjoy being touched? Does your soft tummy give your lover the best pillow in the world? Do your uneven boobs make for a delicious handful when you're being fucked? Can you experience delicious pleasure right now, today, without changing a thing?

And it does not matter if you have a penis that doesn't stay hard for hours or that cums in a matter of minutes. Look deep within yourself and ask what are ALL the ways you can bring a partner pleasure? Are your hands an option? Your tongue? Your lips? Sex toys? The strength of your arms or the stubble on your chin? Your warm breath? The options, when you really look within, are only limited by your imagination.

Stop wasting your life worrying about what everyone else is doing and how they're doing it. (I do not say this lightly. To do this, you must do some deep, personal work. I can help.)

Refuse to give one more second of energy to trying to measure up to someone who is not you, who is not living your life, who is not in your magnificent body.

Because the truth is there is no other living being in the universe who can feel exactly what you feel in the body you're in except for you.

So why spend any time or any shame or any stress trying to be like some other person who is having their own super unique experiences? Or even lots of other people who lucked into having a lot of similar experiences?

Be an explorer of your own sexual landscape. It is rich and varied and deep - right this second.

Sexual liberation starts the moment you realize the answers you need, the definition of what is good and right and normal, is within you. It's there. I promise.

Chase your pleasure. You don't have to change anything about yourself in order to deserve it. Keep it consensual. And that's all, folks.

So, dear reader, what are some myths or standard advice you've held on to that you're ready to let go of? What are some fears or beliefs that have kept you trapped or feeling inadequate? What might the real answer be if you let go of those stories that other people gave you about what "normal" looks like?

Work with me

Looking for ways to reconnect with yourself or a partner? You're in luck because that's what I do.

From one-on-one coaching to my Sex is a Social Skill group calls, there are a number of ways we can work together to help you shed the shame and step into the pleasure and connection you've wanted.

 

 

Being a great lover takes practice. How have you challenged yourself to level up?

Being sexually adept takes practice. It also takes self-awareness, communication, curiosity, creativity, and most of all, the resilience to be wrong often.

Every day I talk to people who are unhappy or struggling with their sex lives. From lack of desire to a complete communication breakdown; from secret fantasies or trauma to feeling stuck and uninspired, I see a lot of frustration and confusion when it comes to sex.

Truthfully, sex is one of the least understood, most desired interactions in the world. The chasm between what we see on TV and in the movies, what we learn in school (if anything), and what the lived experience of sex and pleasure actually are could not be wider.

Most of us stumble along, figuring things out on our own, using friends, Cosmo, and porn to guide us. Which also means it's really common to feel abnormal, awkward, and lost - none of us have clear maps to guide us or the tools to find our way on our own.

The good news is a skilled lover is not simply born with all the gifts of Casanova.

Being sexually adept takes practice. It also takes self-awareness, communication, curiosity, creativity, and most of all, the resilience to be wrong often.

I've had some bad sex in my life. (Bad sex is different from traumatic sex.)

I have been the person who checked out during sex because I wasn't really invested. I've been the person who avoided sex at all costs because it always led to a fight with a partner, or to tolerating sex I didn't really want to just get past it.

I've even been the person who freaks out when their partner shares a desire because I had no idea how to do The Thing and completely shut them down as a result of my own shame and ego.

To this day, I still struggle with articulating my needs and desires at times.

But it's a process. It takes practice. And I know that. Most people don't.

Once the newness wears off in a relationship, folks often find they've become bored - never taking new information in about the person they're with, assuming they have a magic technique that always works, going through the motions or expecting sex because that's what you do.

Sex can be many different things to many different people, and even different things to the same person on different days in different moments. Sex won't always be immersive or mind-blowing, but it can be a powerful source of connection, pleasure, and enjoyment when you do have it.

In my own journey, both personally and professionally, I've discovered what it means to be a skilled sexual partner. It's endlessly simple, but not always easy.

A skilled lover understands that context matters, that the kind of day you had and the way you're feeling in that moment can profoundly impact the way you experience touch and pleasure. So, they practice curiosity.

A skilled lover is attuned to each gasp, each sigh, each muscle spasm, and takes all of the information in, constantly adjusting and reading their partner as the moment unfolds. They nurture and cultivate mindfulness, staying present and in the moment.

A skilled lover is not concerned with ego or goals, but instead, remains open to the endless mystery that is their partner. They know that no two moments are ever the same and allow themselves to be surprised by just how much they don't know - and delight in that. They communicate openly and frequently, asking questions instead of assuming answers.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that sex takes practice.

Practice means failing, messing up, being awkward, and trying again. It means no end point. No moment of final achievement. Mastering sex is mastering comfort with the unknown.

If you want to be a great lover, practice curiosity and curiously practice.

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Ask questions. Check-in. Read erotica. Turn a critical eye towards everything in the media. Seek out information that feeds your creativity.

Know that your pleasure is entirely your responsibility, so a skilled lover also knows how to ask for what they need and want - specifically and unapologetically.

Awkward is OK. Failure is OK. Having no fucking clue what you're doing is OK. As long as you remain open to what comes next and stay curious. You're learning. We all are.

The moment you lose your curiosity and wonder is the moment your sexual experience starts to become stagnant and disconnected.

So, marvel at your body and the pleasure it's capable of both giving and receiving. Get profoundly interested in your partner's reactions and requests. Introduce newness - from new questions to new locations to new techniques to new fantasies - whenever you feel yourself slipping into a routine.

Let yourself be imperfect in bed and invite the same in your lover(s).

Sex is not about obligation or expectation. Sex is about exploration and discovery. Check your attitude often.

My question to you today is what are you curious to learn? In what ways could you be inspired by your experiences or partner(s)? What is one small thing you can practice today that will set yourself and a lover on fire?

Your pleasure. Your love. Your terms.

If you're ready to start rewriting the stories you've been given and to step into connection and pleasure on your own terms, that's exactly what I help people do.

From one-on-one coaching to my Sex is a Social Skill group calls, there are a variety of ways we can work together to help you find the relief you've been looking for.

What are you prioritizing in love?

The pure and simple truth is the things you focus on are the things that grow and flourish. It’s not magic, though it seems to be something almost all of us forget once our lives settle into a routine.

Relationships, to put it simply, take practice. The uncomfortable, consistent kind.

Despite what so many people believe thanks to all of the “happily ever after” stories we’ve been fed, there is not an end point to practicing being in relationship.

You don’t get to coast after doing a certain amount of work or doing a handful of helpful things. Though, as you strengthen your skills, it does become a heck of a lot easier and less awkward.

Think of a relationship like a garden.

As long as you are tending to them with a tiny bit of daily maintenance, they can be gorgeous, breathtaking, and thriving. A place of comfort and peace, something that blooms and buzzes with life, even offering nourishment and sustenance.

Ignore a garden for a few days, and you’ll have some weeds to pull and a little tidying up to do.

Let your garden go unattended for weeks, months, or even years, and you’ll have a whole lot of VERY hard work to put in for a fair amount of time before you’re back to healthy, manageable soil and plants. (I implore you, dear reader, do not wait until you’re in crisis mode and then expect to transform your relationship in a matter of days at the do-or-die stage).

So, what are your priorities?

Take a good look at where you’re putting your limited time and energy each day.

How are you fostering connection? How are you inviting vulnerability and laughter? What small gestures are you taking EVERY SINGLE DAY to check in, to share, to connect, to admire the wonder that is this person in your life, to let them know what they mean to you?

It’s not about whisking your sweetheart off to Paris once a year. Research has shown that small, daily gestures are endlessly more impactful than rare, grand gestures.

Folks in thriving relationships know how critical it is to take 30 seconds or a few minutes several times per day to reach across the divide and strengthen that bridge.

A long hug.

A sweet text with an inside joke.

A compliment that’s well-timed and sincere.

A question about their day and then actually listening with curiosity.

A ritual before bed.

These are not time consuming, but they are love-nurturing. If you’re too busy for these, you need to take a serious look at why you’re even in relationship in the first place.

And no – deciding on dinner, negotiating who will go to the grocery store, or rushing through a quick phone call about your hectic day doesn’t count.

Prioritize what and who is important to you. I guarantee it isn’t your phone.

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Because my guess is that the person sitting next to you is a heck of a lot more valuable to you than seeing if you got any comments on Facebook, and yet how many of us have our phones out when we’re sharing a meal or settling in for bed?

Here is my invitation to you.

Get crystal clear on how you’re prioritizing your connection with a partner by finding ways to really share yourself at least once per day.

Ask yourself what you want to be cultivating in your life. If it’s love and joy and playfulness and feeling seen, then take a look at how you’re showing up for the people who love you.

In the end, will it be the number of social media shares or the points scored in the football game that matters or seeing the eyes of your lover crinkle with joy when you ask about their day because you genuinely want to know?