The day I realized 95% of my sexual distress, pain, and shame has been the result of other people telling me what my sexual experiences should look like and feel like, everything shifted.
I can't tell you how many hours (years?) I spent worrying about how my boobs looked or my tummy moved during sex instead of surrendering to the moment and enjoying this person who was sharing themselves with me.
Why? I was not born worrying my breasts were imperfect or that I shouldn't have a soft, round belly. Other people told me to be ashamed of those parts of myself.
The same for all the times I didn't share a fantasy or a desire for fear of what my partner might say. Where did that fear come from? Probably from the endless stories around us telling what "normal" sex looks like. The fear and shame certainly didn't come from within me.
Where did the stress about how much sex I do or don't have come from?
Why would I ever be scared that I wasn't wet enough or tight enough or hard enough?
Outside forces have tremendous influence over our sexual experiences (and the way we do relationship, too, but that's another post for another day), and unfortunately they're rarely helpful or informative.
One of the most powerful exercises you can do in your life is to examine all of the major beliefs, assumptions, fears, and hang-ups you have about sex.
Where did they come from?
Why does sex equal penis-in-vagina intercourse? Or why does orgasm matter so much? Who said a wet pussy or a hard cock were necessary for terrific sex?
Literally, all of these ideas come from other people who are not you - people who do not have your body with your experiences or your sensations or your unique version of experiencing pleasure.
The truth is that as soon as we all learn how to look within for our answers when it comes to sex is the moment we start to experience sexual liberation.
Click to tweet that statement!
It doesn't matter how many times Cosmo or Dr. Oz say you should be having sex in a week. Look within and ask yourself - REALLY ask yourself - how you feel about how often you're having sex.
It doesn't matter if the actresses in your favorite porn have small, hairless labia. Do your labia bring you pleasure? Do they love being tugged on and licked and sucked on?
It doesn't matter if the only bodies we see on magazines next to headlines like "Sexy!" or "Bikini ready" are white, young, ultra thin, rich, able-bodied models. Does your body enjoy being touched? Does your soft tummy give your lover the best pillow in the world? Do your uneven boobs make for a delicious handful when you're being fucked? Can you experience delicious pleasure right now, today, without changing a thing?
And it does not matter if you have a penis that doesn't stay hard for hours or that cums in a matter of minutes. Look deep within yourself and ask what are ALL the ways you can bring a partner pleasure? Are your hands an option? Your tongue? Your lips? Sex toys? The strength of your arms or the stubble on your chin? Your warm breath? The options, when you really look within, are only limited by your imagination.
Stop wasting your life worrying about what everyone else is doing and how they're doing it. (I do not say this lightly. To do this, you must do some deep, personal work. I can help.)
Refuse to give one more second of energy to trying to measure up to someone who is not you, who is not living your life, who is not in your magnificent body.
Because the truth is there is no other living being in the universe who can feel exactly what you feel in the body you're in except for you.
So why spend any time or any shame or any stress trying to be like some other person who is having their own super unique experiences? Or even lots of other people who lucked into having a lot of similar experiences?
Be an explorer of your own sexual landscape. It is rich and varied and deep - right this second.
Sexual liberation starts the moment you realize the answers you need, the definition of what is good and right and normal, is within you. It's there. I promise.
Chase your pleasure. You don't have to change anything about yourself in order to deserve it. Keep it consensual. And that's all, folks.
So, dear reader, what are some myths or standard advice you've held on to that you're ready to let go of? What are some fears or beliefs that have kept you trapped or feeling inadequate? What might the real answer be if you let go of those stories that other people gave you about what "normal" looks like?
Work with me
Looking for ways to reconnect with yourself or a partner? You're in luck because that's what I do.
From one-on-one coaching to my Sex is a Social Skill group calls, there are a number of ways we can work together to help you shed the shame and step into the pleasure and connection you've wanted.